The Kindgergarten Decision

Sorry, guys, I've just gotta let this out today - mostly just to organize my thoughts:

Thomas is scheduled to start Kindergarten this summer. 

For those who don't know, he is currently in a full-day preschool at a school for children with Autism.  He was the only child in his class whose parents didn't apply for the kindergarten there.

We don't know what to do about kindergarten, quite frankly.

I thought that school would be the best situation for him as long as he was happy and had a good setup.  They have routines - he loves routines and it's hard to have strict routines at home - stuff WILL come up (case in point:  2008 so far). 

I feel a little bad about sending him to school when we don't send Princess and aren't planning on sending Monkey.  But as I've said, that is a choice we make individually for each of our children. 

I thought that I'd like to keep Thomas home at some point - maybe after he's had a few years of schooling under his belt, hopefully at that point his attention span would be a little better, and he'd know how to read (I'm not scared of teaching him to read - he's starting to - he just doesn't like to sit and work on it with me at home).

I feel entirely different about that now.  I stumbled upon this book called Home Educating Our Autistic Spectrum Children on Amazon, and luckily, my library had it.  It was quite good.  Surprisingly helpful.  Set up as the stories of 15 or so families and their experiences and why they started homeschooling their Autistic spectrum (nearly all were Asperger's) children.  What was really helpful was that their children were older than mine, and most of them were pulled out of school at some point.  You could see the problems the kids had had in school - and so many of them had similar problems - some of which we've already seen with Thomas/his school this year.  It really flipped my viewpoint completely. (Side note - one of the homeschooling books that really helped us decide to do it was set up in a similar way - just lots of families stories.  All different, none that I related or agreed with completely, no preaching - but very helpful all the same - and I can't remember the title...).

This book made me re-evaluate our decision to keep Thomas in school.  All of the kids in the book learned so much better without all the classroom distractions and more one-on-one attention. Also, in our area they teach reading using the whole-language (sight reading) method, which I strongly disagree with (Phonics! Phonics!).  Thomas is getting both.  At home we work on phonics, but at school they are using the Edmark program, which is sight reading.  So why do I want him to learn reading at school?  I don't!

Like many of the children in the book (and many children with no delays or diagnoses, actually), many days Thomas has meltdowns after school.  He works hard at his behavior and ignoring the overstimulation at school which just takes up all his energy, and when he's home he lets go.  This happens nearly every Sunday as well - his behavior at church is getting better and better - but when he gets home he's done.  Usually when he's home for a long-weekend or has a school break he's a happier kid overall.  Not so many meltdowns.

In our situation, there are three choices for Kindergarten:  homeschool, mainstream, or 'diagnostic kindergarten' (a special ed kindergarten class).  We've had some issues with Thomas mimicking his lower-functioning classmates.  He needs to be around non-delayed peers for social modeling, his teachers and the district agree.  So that knocks out option 3.  I just had a meeting with the school psychologist at his possibly soon-to-be new school.  I walked in thinking 'Well, he may not even go to school, but I'm not going to tell her that - I need to see all the options', and walked out thinking 'Wow, this might work for him.'

And now I have no idea what to do.  More and more, as positive as the counselor made the situation seem, I'm thinking that it might not work out.  He'd be in a large room divided into two classrooms - each with at least 25 kids.  There is one kindergarten aide who divides her time between three classrooms (but supposedly they have a lot of parent volunteers).  Right now Thomas is used to a classroom with 10 children and 5 teachers.  Yeah.  He seems to go in cycles - I've mentioned this before - but up and down and up and down.  Sometimes we realize what triggers an 'off' time, but usually not.  He's going to have 'off' times in Kindergarten - can they handle that?  He's a great kid.  He's smart and capable, but he requires a little more direction most of the time.

I've also realized that my expectations for my child in school are simply too high.  I didn't think that they were, but this year has been an eye-opener.  I want him to be happy and challenged.  That's it.  But he's not getting it at his school now, and I can't imagine that he'll get what he needs at this public school.

There is some major thinking (and praying) that needs to be done here.  I have to admit that it's nice to have some quieter time to spend with the other children when Thomas is at school.  I have to admit that I don't know exactly how it's all going to work if he stays home.

But I also have to admit that my heart is just not into sending my boy to school - again - he's been in some kind of early-intervention or preschool class since he was 2.

****

PRO:
only 3 hours a day
less structured and less intense than his preschool
he might like it
social interaction
year-round school means 'off-track' time for breaks
we could pull him out if it's not working

CON:
he might not be able to handle that much stimulation
he might be frustrated by his fine-motor skill issues
his teacher might not be able to handle him
year-round school means 'off-track' time for breaking routines

teasing?

(note to self:  go observe the kindergarten class in session!)

Comments

[Jen b]

wow i am sorry you are struggling with this decision. you are such a good mom and have thought about and researched so much. go with your gut. what is it telling you to do? because that is what is the right choice. you are his mom and know him better than anyone. trust yourself. good luck and know we are all here cheering you and thomas on.

[Kim]

Kirsten, I could write a novel about all the ways I agree with your reasoning and how I have been going through the same decision-making process with my own kiddos who are on the autistic spectrum, but I'll spare you! I hope if you want Thomas to attend school that it's everything you want it to be and more, but also know that there's lots of support out there if you choose to homeschool him! Good luck with your decision!

[jessi]

Uggh - this is the part of parenting that I never really thought about before I came one and especially before we realized that Peter had delays. So many decisions. I wish you the best making yours!

[miss chris]

I am so impressed with how you are addressing this decision... I can only emphathize with how difficult it must be. The ability to pull him out of the situation is a strong 'pro' for trying Kindergarten, I think. It's a lot harder the other way around.

Good luck. I know this one isn't easy. xoxo

[shannon]

hey kirsten, So much to think about...this is a huge decision. You are obviously a very caring and conscientious mommma, you are carefully weighing it all. I think its always important to go with your gut. I think whatever you decide will be right for Thomas. Good luck to you, I know this has got to be hard for you right now.

[Jody]

It's a tough decision, but I know you'll do what you feel is best for him and your family.

[Amy]

Ugh, I still owe you an email. I swear I'm not ignoring you... I'll send my thoughts soon.

[lina]

Such a huge decision Kirsten and not an easy one I'm sure. Hope you find what's right for you and Thomas.

[Katie]

Wow Kirsten, I can't even imagine. It overwhelms me to think about what we'll do with Isaiah when he's school aged! I know that you'll figure out the right thing for Thomas because you're such a great, caring mom. Good luck with all the decision making!

[erin]

I agree with Chris - it will be easier to pull him out if you need to than to put him in an already established class. That said, you know what is best and I am completely impressed with the amount of thought you have given to this!

[seemownay]

Since I am German I have no homeschooling experience whatsoever. However you say that Thomas has been going "somewhere" since he is two - do you think he needs it? I mean it is a routine now? Isn't it?
And since your other two are at home also is it possible to give him your sole attention? As much as you want to give without necglecting the other two?

These two things just came to my mind when reading your thoughts. I hope you make the right decision. Have faith, your the mother and you know what your son needs!

[laeroport]

Good luck to you all as you make this big decision, my friend.
I had a healthy dose of optimistic skepticism going into our public school experience, but I must say that it has been great. Obviously, it is different everywhere, but they have really stepped up and given Aidin real challenges and independent work. She meets with a special teacher onece a week, and when I go in and volunteer, I see how well the teachers address all their students, at whatever level, to keep them focused and on-track.

If it were me, I'd lean toward the idea that you can always pull him out if it is not working and give it a try. But that's me and we have a very different living/life situation...

Strength! And know that it will turn out okay in the end.

[mereteveian]

I feel for you, - so hard. It all depends on so many situations, persones, school policy.
My son suffered in larger classes in school. Now, with only a group of 5 (all inside the autistic spectrum, but none with asperger)and a lot of one-to-one tutoring, he is at his level and has also shown better progress in social behaviour all along. Have to admit he has really good teatchers now.
My son had melt-downs that wasn't easy on us, but now he has learned to take time-out for himself to get it out w/o us being mad at him, and calm his energy by himself.
I hope for T to be there soon, too.
I'm writing this because you might be at something there, thinking that T learns better one-to-one and a smaller group (your three kids) will be a good choice for him.
But I see the part there where it might be good for you as a whole, as a family, but also as individuals, that T leaves the house a few hours a day.
That's just how it is to be around "our" kids, I know.
Wish you the best no matter what.

[Sonya]

It is so, so hard. But one thing I was thinking of it that in the other second grade classroom in our school, there's a boy with aspergers and he has a full-time aide just for him. Now I'm not sure if this is something set up by his parents, but since we are a public charter school, I think it might be something that the school district provides. I know that this would vary from district to district and I don't know whether yours has IEPs (Individual Education Plans) in kindergarten or what it would entail/benefit.

I'm sorry if I am telling you things you know already - what I do know is that balancing the lives of three kids, is a very tricky thing to do. And it sounds like you are on the right track by looking at all the options. Best of luck and take care Kirsten!

[kirsten]

********
Sonya, in our district they don't 'do' full-time aides. I don't think he necessarily needs one just for him, but it'd be nice to have one for the class who could redirect him if needed without drawing the attention of the whole class/ using class time. I'm surprised they have kindergarten classes without full-time aides, special needs kids or no!
******

[JenniferS.]

Our little guy is three and has autism. For many of the same reasons as you said I think we might homeschool. I read the book you mentioned but also found this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Homeschooling-Child-Other-Special-Needs/dp/0761535691/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1208870129&sr=8-2

It mainly discusses the "whys" as opposed to the "hows" of homeschooling kids on the spectrum, and it pretty much has me convinced... as long as we can still provide speech, OT and ABA therapy for him.

[valerie]

I was going to ask about the full-time aides too. By the way, I do know a little bit about your district, and I know they take a few shortcuts with special ed which I believe are not legal. This would be one of them. Having an aide would be so cool!! I shouldn't talk about the district because I'm starting to get a little upset . . .

Anyway - a little perspective. As you know, my guys went from the heavy-structure, full-day routine for preschool back to the half-day public school kindergarten. They did fine, and I was happy with how things went. The school was so helpful and we honestly had the best teachers to help them. No aides, either. BUT - I was not expecting them to need to learn anything. I was just hoping for some good socialization. That's what they got. If I had been expecting education, I think I would have been disappointed. Such a short day doesn't lend itself to establishing a good routine. The poor K teachers had to rush at every turn to fit everything into three hours. Contrary to their preschool experience, the solid routine came from their at-home time. This really did help them learn about how to function in first grade too, though. Also, if it makes a difference, I really haven't noticed teasing being an issue at ALL for this age.

Thanks for being such a good mom, Kirsten! You inspire all of us! Your kids are so lucky that you care to find the right thing for them! GOOD LUCK!

[Kate]

Good luck with this tough decision - whatever youd do will be the best thing to do.

[Cath02]

Firstly, let me say I'm in absolute awe of you. Three kids, one diagnosed as autistic, homeschooling Princess already, all your activities, craft/cooking etc. You are amazing, woman!!
My Matthew is in his first year of mainstream secondary school (he's 13), tho at one stage I thought I'd have to home-school him as he was having so much trouble coping with school. If I thought I'd have been a good teacher, I would have pulled him out of school and done it myself. In some ways, I feel he could have benefited from home-schooling, at least academically. But socially? It's only through the constant interaction, over many years, that he can cope in crowds/noise. He's also 'comfortable' dealing with a larger range of people and strangers, through the normal school exposure. The acceptance he got from some of the other kids, and adults in his schools give him a sence of pride and achievement that I alone could not have given him. It's that sence of achievement that spurs him on to do better next time. I really do feel that he would have been less able to understand and cope with normal life if I'd home-schooled him. If for that reason alone I'm glad I perservered with mainstream schooling.
We still have issues, small changes in the timetable will throw him (even when he understands the change, applying the change is another step), relief teachers, bullying cos he's different (this didn't happen at Thomas's age at all, only when he got older), etc. but he's still learning.
These are all reasons specific to Matthew, Thomas is a totally different person. There are, as you pointed out pros and cons for each decision. You could always give school a go and pull him out if you decide that's better for him. It may be harder to intergrate him into school later.
As for the meltdowns after school/church/events, we found certain activities (often in his obsessional activities) calmed him down, as did certain routines at home. Allowing for these to happen, carefully monitered, greatly improved home-life after events.
Good luck with your decision, Thomas is so lucky to have such a wonderful Mum.

[julie]

Hi Kirsten. I really feel for you - it's a monumental decision when looked at as a whole entity and like you've pointed out there are many pros and cons for each option. My instincts these days are to go with my heart rather than my head - I think having Toby reversed my previous viewpoint! One thing is for certain - you are giving this decision serious consideration and so I'm certain at some point your way forward will become clearer to you. You are such a selfless and dedicated mum and you certainly deserve a clear path at your feet. All the best x

[eva jorgensen]

kirsten,

like everyone has already said, you are an amazing mother, and you and aaron will make the right decision. my prayers are with you.

[sarah]

I wish I had some kind of wisdom to share that would make this an easier decision for you. But you'll do what's right for him.

Good luck and prayers for you guys!

[Sezz]

Oooh this is a tough one isn't it!! Harry was in special needs pre-reception age and our local Mainstream school refused to take him. I plodded along with SN where he complained the other children bullied him and didn't talk.
i found a wonderful mainstream school which was prepared to gradually phase him in. He has a 1:1 teaching assistant in the mornings (and probably sleeps in the afternoons). More attention than he was getting in SN.
Well he still can't read or write and I can't get him to do the most simple homework task. There is no way I could homeschool him as if he doesn't want to do it then it just won't happen.
No option is an easy ride unfortunately but I think our boys really benefit from being exposed to the social experiences of school. In this area Harry has come along leaps and bounds. I've also found children of his age to be more than understanding.
I do however worry about Junior school and know this is a temporary placement. But for now it's ticking along.....
Good luck with your choice.

[michelle]

My daughter used to have meltdowns after school and didn't on the weekends. She was sensitive to the flourescent lighting. Go to irlen.com and take a look. Maybe it will help.

[randi]

I have a friend and she has raised her nephew who has asperger's, he is now 18. She recently had him tested and the tester said that his social skills and eye contact were far above what was needed to diagnose him as asperger's again. He has been homeschooled for his entire school career, but Pam has provided him with lots of social opportunities and situations. He has matured into a great guy!

I am not saying that i think that you should homeschool, but I am saying that it is a worthwhile enviroment to consider for your child.

God will give you the guidance that you need in making the decision!